self-identity

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what i’m wearing: H&M black fluid trench, Zara basic black tee, pretty little thing distressed denim shorts, black patent python chanel bag, zara sneakers, kapten & son rose gold mesh watch & maui sunglasses
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‘I feel like I know everything about you’ is what a reader once said to the memoirist Frank McCourt, to which he brilliantly replied, ‘Oh darling. It’s just a book’. The same could be said for this blog. This is a topic I’ve wanted to talk about for a long time, because not only do I like to blog, I like to write; intimate anecdotes are what I prefer to share in the words I type here. It isn’t such a common combination for fashion bloggers,  I juggle between professional sartorial lover and internet best friend. I’m asked for relationship  advice as often as I am about a lipstick I’m wearing. It’s a lovely but strange juxtaposition ; one I am ultimately grateful for. It creates an intimacy between me and you, and it is this depth that has fuelled my never ending desire to share everything here, from the messy emotions to the pretty clothes. My identity is a force I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. This blog, which has been turning weekly for almost a decade now definitely complicated the perception I had of myself. You see, when you share your life online, the edges begin to blur. Screen and off screen melt into one another as you pull open your life for public view.  I started Frassy in my final teenage year, meaning my self-perception was still confused and cloudy, driven more murky by a University too traditional for strange people like myself. I will always be grateful for the online community I discovered back in those days, girls online loved the brogues and hats my peers at lectures laughed at. The drawback, was that I grew up too heavily reliant on the internet to make me feel comfortable with myself. I was dependent and as my blog expanded into a full time job, my self-identity grew increasingly precarious. Building your entire identity on public opinion is quite like building a house on sand. It will fall down a lot. The cruel comments used to leave painful purple mental bruises, the compliments were essentially a highly potent drug; the steroid to my self confidence, and if I’m brutally honest,  there have been long periods where I lived vicariously and solely through the things I shared via screen. They were what made me feel most alive and it was all I focused on; showcasing a day that seemed better than it was ; dramatizing experiences as a means of emotional capitalization. I’d jump from shooting to editing to blogging with not much in between. I suppose we all do this as bloggers or writers or artists of whatever sort; spinning the mundane into something more enticing. Perhaps this is the essence of art but then again, there must be a separation between the things we create and our inner selves. A concept I epically failed to prioritize for many years. I still see many bloggers I meet struggling with this, their online presence pushing as the pivotal focus of their lives.  Not much other than blogging seems to be discussed whenever I find myself awkwardly hovering around at an event. I’m asked for my instagram handle before I’m asked my name.  I watch bloggers cluster for grinning group selfies at a party and then spend the rest of the evening in silence beneath the glow of their iPhones. This is especially interesting given that my friends of other professions rarely speak of their jobs, the topic of their professional lives is loose and primarily centered around a few quick complaints over a glass of wine. But bloggers, or many I’ve met tend to babble all day. I think they mistake 100,000s of followers to mean that the entire world is fascinated , but really, people generally don’t want to discuss their jobs unless they are actually at their job. Now, I’m not condemning anyone, I know dozens of fascinating, multi faceted women who are bloggers, some of which I am proud to call best friends. I’m also not criticizing anyone, I’m an influencer but for years, the person I was influencing most heavily was ironically, myself. So, my self view and worth dipped up and down like a graph. It took me a long time to rip the two apart, to value all my many, less photogenic traits ; qualities both pretty and ugly impossible to capture on a camera. It took a long time to not work all the time, weekends especially. It took me a long time to realize that this website is simply just a job and not the parameters of who I am. It took me a long time to realize that the best moments of my life aren’t shareable in instagram format. My life doesn’t revolve around content creation ; while pivotal for work, it isn’t the driving force of my existence. It took a very long time, it took years but in establishing a stable sense of self identity I found freedom and a tranquility I unknowingly craved. It was this self-exemption,  that Frassy is just a ‘job’ and simply a blog; not the foundation of who I am, which empowered me. It propelled me to write truthfully.  Now that I know exactly who I am, I have no qualms with sharing both the good and the bad. Because ultimately what I share online is but a tiny fraction of who I am. I do wish I could meet all of you, I’d look less pretty and would undeniably be far goofier than you’d expect. But ultimately, most of me, most of what I really cherish about myself exists beyond this screen that links us. There is so much of me, there is so much of me off-screen – an affirmation such as this one is a slice of immense personal growth I’m proud of.

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  • Tia Eiland

    Wow, this post is so honest! You are so brave for putting all your innermost thoughts and imperfections out there. This post is truly inspirational and transparent:)

    Much love,
    Tia
    Pursuit of Monèt
    https://pursuitofmonet.wordpress.com/

  • The Gold Lipstick

    I love your Chanel bag!

    Mireia from TGL
    https://thegoldlipstick.com/

  • There are lots of blogs out there about pretty clothes. And while I love the clothes, I tire of the ones that don’t give any real life snippets. The reason I come here over and over again is because you do share so much of yourself.

  • I can really relate to this. I don’t think we’ll ever truly 100% know who we are because we are constantly changing and that’s ok too. The most important thing is not to let other people have too much of an influence over our identity. We need to figure it out on our own terms and not through online validation either… x

  • Christine

    I love how much of an open book you are. Thank you for being you…xx

  • I love how open and honest you are in your posts. I hate the fakeness you see at blogger events often, all smiley photos when people hardly talk and often are so competitive they don’t like each other. The thing that brings me back to your blog is your writing rather than just your pictures
    Lauren
    livinginaboxx | bloglovin

  • Loved reading this, so beautifully written and openly honest.

    Mel x

    http://mediamarmalade.com

  • Nicely stated . . . As always! 🙂

    La Bijoux Bella | by mia

  • I really appreciate your openness and honesty, it’s what makes your blog so amazing! This was an interesting read, I’ve wondered about how full time bloggers perceive themselves and their jobs. I think a lot of people who run their own business end up talking about it a lot and constantly work because if they don’t, they don’t have an income. At the end of my work day, I try not to think about work at all because it will still be there tomorrow and I’ll get paid regardless. I think it would be a lot different if I was a full time blogger though.

  • I love this. What struck me the most is the topic of bloggers who all talk about their jobs, and little else, when they’re together. Because you’re so right – people outside of the profession don’t tend to talk about their jobs non-stop. I think this is the self importance people put on having X amount of followers next to their name. That is their value, and what they identity themselves as which, in real life, means nothing… I do understand however that at an event, it is the common denominator. But for me personally, I rather know what’s actually going on in their lives. What made them start, what makes them feel. But that’s not to say I don’t get wrapped up in this world too. It’s hard not to. This post came at the perfect time for me because I too am struggling with this. I have always admired you as a strong woman, ever since I first met you. You have a wonderful way about you, there’s something about your personality that makes people want to open up to you. I don’t really know what else to say, or what else to babble about, I guess I just want to say thanks for being you, being true, and being a bad bitch. Keep on doing it girl. x

  • Lina Sigurdardottir

    This is written so well !! You have something unique about your blog. It’s not just all fashion, but you share something interesting to read too like this post. Keep up the good work and I totally agree on everything you wrote about 🙂

    Been a fan since Style Diaries <3 I've already been out to buy stuff that I saw you wearing on here. That, right there is a damn brilliant, genius of a blogger that can convince me/give ideas to what to buy next 😉

  • Forgetting who one is, or even more – denying who one is may be the biggest crime we all commit from time to time. It is just so tempting, isn’t it? To be someone else. Not because someone else is or is not better though, but because consequences of someone else’s actions are not really our consequences, right? We feel like we can get away with anything, while in fact we are just slowly killing ourselves.

  • Capricorn2ba
  • Andrea L

    beautifully written! i think many people sometimes don´t understand that what we share online is just a tiny bit of all our lifes. there is so much more going on everyday. i admire you and your blog for years..i think i started to read 2011 (maybe ;)) and i just can say that your blog just keeps getting better and you´re awesome!

    https://andreaandcoco.wordpress.com/

  • Miss N.W

    That is so true – I think there are a lot of superficial bloggers out there who solely care about followers instead of conversing in real life. New to blogging and I struggle with the concept of sharing online as ironically I’m quite a private person and your right it is a weird juxtaposition! Thank god we have bloggers like you who aren’t restricted to solely discussing what MAC lipstick is their fav, and instead openly discuss more candid, honest feelings and opinions!
    careergirlsite.wordpress.com xoxo

  • Deep, great that you shared these thoughts. I feel like that sometimes too! You are not alone. Life is bigger than our jobs and much more meaningful.

    Love,

    http://www.thestyleventure.com/2016/10/17/acne-studios-hat/