what’s love got to do with it?

Love, I cannot seem to get it right. And obviously, I am referring to the sexual kind, surely the most complex channel of the heart. I don’t necessarily see my past relationships as failures, but certainly not right. At times, I question if I’ve ever really truly loved and at my lowest, I find myself convinced that  I am indeed impossible to love. Marriage to see me feels like an impossibility and I am usually overcome with a vague overwhelming sensation, very similar in fact to the way I feel whenever I find myself scrolling through Nasa’s feed on instagram. Outer space and marriage evoke the same emotive response from me. Both very alien, very faraway and mind-blowing in a way I cannot quite convey. On one hand it feels like a terrifying commitment and on another, it feels like the safe path, a direction that would most likely lead me to boredom. You simply haven’t met the right person all my married friends sigh at me over wine. I’m almost 30, I have dated many, many men – where on earth does a woman meet the right kind of partner? I have been notoriously active on dating apps, I hang out at the sophisticated places, I also have no qualms with talking to absolutely anyone, even the 80 year old with a cane, alone at the bar. Hypothetically, if the perfect man did propose, I would probably, very awkwardly say, well no.  I am beginning to believe there are wife women and then there are women like me, who will never be a wife. I don’t mean that statement to have any negative connotations; we live in a society where opting out of marriage is acceptable. My abortion last year shone a harsh light on my priorities, I always flirted with the idea of motherhood and a husband, but given the opportunity, I quickly backed away with little hesitation.  I’m not ready for children, but then I wonder if I will ever be? I also, truthfully, find meeting men to be absolutely exhiliarating. Some of my closest friends have been with the same man since University and while I salute them for the great love in their lives, I cannot help but prefer the very varied mirage of experiences I have had with many very different men. I could fill an entire book with my relationships and there would most likely have to be sequel too. Love for me is quite like a drug, for the first few months I heavily romanticize whoever I’m with, up they go on a pedestal which inevitably crumbles slowly, concluding in a break up. As soon as the rush of falling love is done, so am I and I hate to admit that but I’m proud that I did. Last year saw me the most eager for love and my loneliness spurred me on to act in rash, embarrassing ways; I was eager for an emotion I am now sure I don’t know the value of. It is more lonely forcing a love than living without one. Last year taught me that. I’ve only been dumped once, I am always the ‘bitch’ who ends it. And so is that really love? I think not. I have no idea. I am absolutely useless at loving a man for any length of time and as I get older, more confident and less vulnerable, I’m quicker and better at walking away.  And then I wonder why no one will love me in the way I demand to be loved. How horrible is that?  I am also highly inflexible and fiercely independent, I cannot remember the last time I asked a man who wasn’t my father for help of any kind. I don’t need your help, I’ve said so many times with irritation to past boyfriends. But in true Audrey style, I take it to the next ridiculous level, by insisting on paying for everything entirely which eventually leads to the worst kind of resentment: financial. A man paying makes me feel uncomfortable, the silver lining here is that a gold digger I will never be. During the year (2015)  I intentionally stayed single, I never really felt alone or lonely ; I’ve always found a quiet solace in my own company. Saying that, I don’t trust my own heart; love confuses me, and here I am in this haze, questioning every single one of my actions and reactions to men I meet. Do I really like him or is this just me chasing another high? I can’t help but wonder, do we as women need a man to make us happy, especially in this highly fuelled feminist era we are living through? And life without the role of wife, is that the path I am unintentionally walking towards? Am I happy with this? And am I alone here in a sea of ended relationships wondering what might be next, if anything at all or just another series of the same? I am sure a psychologist would have a field day analyzing my thoughts expressed here, but then again, love shouldn’t be analyzed, simply felt so why haven’t I felt it in the way I always expected I would? I’m tired of the delusions and the forcing that come with the inadequate love, which really I suppose, is the only type I have ever known. I’m not pessimistic or disheartened, I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a long time, content alone and holding out for the great love. No more making do with a half sufficient emotion, I’ll wait for the whole damn, mind-blowing, soul-churning thing. And should I never find this great love? That’s okay, there are infinite pomeranians looking for a home. But why does something so instinctual, so basic to human life feel utterly confusing and quite impossible to me? Why?

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  • Veronika

    It feels soo good to read this! Now I know, that I am not alone at this whole thing and I thought I have some mental problems. I feel you Audrey and believe me, there is more of us who feel this way. But anyway, I always believe that if a great love is meant to happen to me, let it be and if not I am fine on my own – and I pass same to you! We can’t find love, we have to feel it. I hope that one day we will… and if not, well I guess the future will show us 🙂

  • As always, I just adore your writing. I don’t know what to do or say about this post as my love life and experiences have been so few I don’t have nearly enough advise in me to give, not that you need any at this point. You seem so well rounded, such a proper woman. You’re a lady. Wooh woooh woooh You’re a lady <3

  • Also, your smile. My goodness! Oh and one last thing – you’re still the only blog I go out of my way to read. When is the book?! I need more of this, in a printed format.

  • Constantina

    Great post. May I say I am so so glad I came across your blog a few months ago, and I am so very relieved to read this post. Answers I don’t have. However, for what it’s worth ,know that you are very much not alone, and I- for one- totally agree with you. The honesty, and sincerity in your work is refreshing, would love to read more. Also I love watching your insta-stories, and very excited for your vlog:))

  • I love the way you write – I love the posts where you lay bare your thoughts. You have a habit of saying you’re nearly thirty like it’s a bad thing in regards to love. My Aunty found her true love when she was 49 and I’ve never seen her happier. Being in love for the first time doesn’t have an age limit – embrace your life as you’re doing and that time will come. Xx

  • Jess

    Honestly.. you really haven’t met the right person. I still pay for everything, am a control freak, at batshit crazy with high funationing anxiety, completely independent but I share my journey with my best friend and lover. I too thought of commitment and marriage as absolutely terrifying but when you find someone whose company you enjoy, you are still you and commitment doesn’t seem like commitment; it’s a life long adventure together. And marriage won’t seem like marriage; it will seem like a party to celebrate that adventure. Maybe the feeling of love doesn’t need to be so over analysed. Just go with it.

    Also have to quote the words I live by, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you going to love somebody else?” – RuPaul

  • Nazgul

    We all tend to think that at a certain age we might all have a life figured out, but no, i’m a few years older than you and yes, i haven’t met a man in my life and didn’t have rich dating life either. If love comes i will embrace it, if not, i will continue to live and lead a happy life as i always used to. Much love to you, Audrey! Love your writing and look at you, you are a beautiful, talented young lady, there will surely be a great man in your path that will love you for you and be totally supportive of you! http://www.creativesis.com

  • Lynnie

    You write so well describing feelings that for me cannot be put into words whilst filling a hole left behind by Candace Bushnell (Carrie Bradshaw). Beautiful, honest article.

  • Andrea Westerlund

    In the end you will find the right person. It may just turn out that the right person is you 🙂

    • Caitlin Bohannon

      I love this 🙂

  • Jen

    This was so beautiful and raw, but then again, aren’t isn’t your writing always like that? I loved this. Thank you for writing with such honestly.

  • Absolutely amazing words as always, here’s to being happy within yourself! That’s absolutely the most important thing there is! x

  • having a dog helps.
    holding my pup in my arms at night i think “oh ok, this is all i needed to feel better”
    i also got a massage machine.
    I got cuddles and massages covered. wtf else do you need

  • Dylana

    This is so beautifully written. I hope you do find the whole damn mind blowing thing, but if not I know you will thrive in your own way. But I know something great is waiting for you 🙂 hehe

    xx

    http://www.dylanasuarez.com

  • I one hundred percent relate to all of this, you are definitely not alone!

  • Maybe you haven’t got it all figured out with men, but it seems like you’ve got it all figured out with you. You know what you like. I don’t think a woman (or anyone, really) should be defined by her relationship status. I really enjoyed this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-brooke/getting-married-is-not-an-accomplishment_b_9189828.html and maybe you will too 🙂

  • i adore this post so much! i have never been in love and i start to believe that it´s ok if i never will be. i know that i don´t want to get married and i know that i don´t want any children so me and my cat..we are enough. if it happens one day and i find someone -nice and if not i am happy too! <3

    https://andreaandcoco.wordpress.com/